GOD and TIME

“I had only a little time left and I didn’t want to waste it on God.”

 Albert Camus

This quote was shared in twitter. It got me thinking.

I am not a religious person. I guess, declaring myself as a non-religious person has more to do with all the violence being done in the name of it. Could be a very surficial understanding but I am unable to go beyond that, as of yet.

Not being religious does not mean I am an atheist. I was raised to believe that there is some supernatural power beyond our realm. It is unfortunate that I have not been able to come out of that belief. I am ‘critical’ of it, here and there, but not trustworthy to call myself as a strong rationalist or ‘science person’.

There are possibilities of me being religious or an atheist, in the future. You never know. So, I am keeping my options open.

But, do I have enough time for this? Let’s say I have the life expectancy of 70. I am going to be 30 soon. So, when I turn these supposed years and passed years into days (25,550 – 10,950) the remaining days I have is 14,600. To make it closer for understanding; let’s convert these days into time which gives me 350,400 hours in total. Now, I sleep average of 7 hours a day which leaves me with lesser time - 248,200 hours. Doing daily humanly necessity stuffs will take at least 20% of it. That means I will have round about 200,000 hours. That is too less for all the things I want to do in my life.

I have to read THE books, read and re-read and re-re-read! Then, keep them in my personal library, safe from dust and insects. Share, if anyone would like to have a look or digest every words that is there to. Talk about all the highs and lows of the books with them. Get drunk on all the knowledge there is to.

I have to write about anything and everything. I have to write something on loving and being loved. I have to write on the sweaty romance, clumsy romance and gutsy romance. I have to write on loss, loneliness and sadness. The bravery, the courage and hope of the human hearts. And then, smell the piles and piles of freshly printed papers already piled on top of the yellowed ones with their own stories to tell.

I want to feel the heart beat fast when meeting the great, inspiring minds. 

I am yet to feel the urgency of pining for oxygen in my body while climbing mountains. I want to know the feeling of drinking deep dark coffee with chocolate while on top of that mountain.

I have to introduce myself to all the woods, by woods, I mean trees. Definitely trees!* I want to know their secret of life-cycle. 

I have to eat the foods that I farmed. The organic one!

I want to record the sounds of wind from all around the world and the space. I want to cross the purgatory and see the heaven, alive. I want to touch the sky, have long conversations with stars and date with moon, every night.

Most of all, I have to master the shamanism and bring peace to the world!

And, this is just the beginning. I have so many desires, aspirations and ambitions to fulfil in my life. How can mere 200,000 hours be enough? Seriously, when I have so short life with so much things that are yet to be done, whatever made you think I would waste it on God? Especially when everyone seems to be fighting over whose ‘imaginary friend’** is better than others.

NOTES

1.       * Taylor Mali

2.       ** Yashir Araphat

MIZPAH

This Hebrew word is a noun. It means ‘the deep emotional relationship between people, especially those separated by distance or death’.

When I found this word, today, I was finally able to express my thoughts of how I see relationships in a word. Definitely, it made me really happy.

I love learning. Anything. Tiny things. Infinite things. Everything. So, I always look for new words to learn. It is not every day that I come across the word which takes hold of my heart. Hence, when I found Mizpah in a Facebook, the day became special. Because, the word made me think. And, thinking is something I enjoy the most. It makes me feel alive.

This word. This single word gave me energy to connect myself with loved ones and analyse how I assess my relationships with them. I have always told my family, my closest friends and relatives how ‘I carry them in my heart’ [quoting e. e. Cummings] meaning geography, time and space, hardly matters to me.

So, I hardly feel lonely. I always feel that wherever they are, how far physically they might be, emotionally they are always with me. And, I am with them. This feeling of ‘being together’ keeps me strong and gives confidence to look forward in life.

While this idea of ‘togetherness’ might seem naïve and even in denial of reality to some, for me, it is the best way to deal with it. The reality or the truth of the life is that no one is going to be with you, forever. Nor you can be for them. Different situations and circumstances, choices, inevitable truths will take you away (physically) from your loved ones. But, does the separation, distance or death stops us from having the deepest emotional relationship with our loved ones? I doubt. When you are emotionally very close with someone time and space hardly seems to matter. Even death doesn't take away the feeling you have for the deceased one, does it?

We just get used to live without them, carrying our emotions that have converted themselves into fond memories, pining for them or pain at losing them. But, we always have them in our heart. We are always connected with them, emotionally.

This argument or idea or thought process is closer to me. I strongly believe in it. Maybe because I am an Aries. As an enthusiast of Astrology, I had read somewhere that Aries women are the ones who can live their life, happily, if they know that there is someone somewhere in the world whom they love or care about. For many, it might not feel very practical way to live life but I have realized with my little experience that emotions are all we need to have a happy life. The feeling of being connected to someone deep within the heart is what fulfils us and our life with happiness.

So, this is for Mizpah, the word, that speaks volumes on human emotions.   

BE A MAN!!!

...I ask him,
"How difficult is it to be a Man?"
in this society,
in this time.
he looks surprised,
unprepared.
I tell him,
"No, really?"
I am serious.
I wanna know.
is it difficult for you ?
to fit in the box
as it is for me...

everything is temporary.

and while we are at it,
lets not forget
everything is temporary.

the genuine love that we receive
is not going to be there - forever!
if we are to discard it
with our arrogance
and indifference.

taking it for granted
leaving the loving one
with the scar
of humiliation
and disappointment.

stripped of dignity
and full of regret.

and lets not forget.
we are not that great.
we are not that perfect.

and everything is temporary.
but,
still, scars seem to last longer.

Random Thoughts!

Lost!

"I am lost!" They say.

How do you know when you are lost? Is it that easy to know when you are? Life is not just a walk where you have to choose between two roads in a jungle.

"Choose the one less traveled..." they say and oh! with so much confidence.

But, the roads have multiplied while the world has become smaller -- a global village. A village, with interdependence and interconnectedness between everyone so much that if someone is to get cold somewhere someone else will be sneezing somewhere else. So much connected...so easy to stay connected.

And yet, it has become more complicated. Everything is so complicated. The roads have multiplied. The life passes in a blur. Everything is so confusing it is hard to know what is genuine and what is not. Everything feels like a part of propaganda and the interconnectedness seems bigger than the life to be able to do anything about it. What to believe in and what not to, that becomes a huge question mark in life. And you are lost.

After you are lost its not that easy to find oneself, as I have realized recently. The search continues, no matter what you do, the roads become wider and muddier and blurred...it's very difficult to have any strong conclusion without having some extremists view points on the process and at the same time if you are not strong enough it's very difficult to know where the ground is, and we are bound to sway with a smallest breeze.

So, the reason behind this blabbering is just trying to calm down the thoughts that are creating havoc on my mind right now. And I am sure it is of no use to anyone nor for me...as I have not felt the relief after this neither head nor a tail expression.

Time is precious. And, right now, I believe it is to everyone's knowledge that I am LOST. Not only just lost but also not able to see any roads to travel. It seems I am a 'gone case' as my friend has politely put it.