~~~ ~~~
~~~
Let me stay in denial
For a little longer
Let me not say goodbye
Yet.
Let me hope
To hear you say
'K chha moti?'
On the other side of the phone.
Let me hope.
a little longer!!!
~~~ ~~~
~~~
The saddest part of the happier dream is that when you
wake up, the reality becomes crueller. Dreams have a way of sowing desires and
hopes in us. In this process the reality becomes a denial.
Denial is hard to live with.
And yet, dreams are the only link through which I
can see myself connecting with you.
As, you left. So suddenly.
I felt cheated. I felt wronged. And everything felt
unfair.
And I was angry, so angry, at everything, even at
you.
*****
First time I saw you, you were just across the
river, standing. I was trying to cross it, the more I tried the muddier and
wilder the river became. I could not cross the river. You disappeared.
I woke up, I cried and I cursed at you for leaving
so soon.
In another dream, we were in collage. I was sitting
on the bench, reading something. You passed by with one girl. You had put your
right hand on her shoulder, holding her and walking. You saw me, you smiled and
winked with an expression that was closer to bragging about the beautiful
companion.
I couldn't help wondering 'why?' when I woke up. And
tears followed.
In other random dreams, I was in some sort of
gathering. There were some of our common friends. I don't know why but I
suddenly turned back and saw you. From crowd you were walking towards me,
smiling. I was shocked and could do nothing but stare at you. Closer you came
blurrier you became as my eyes were filling with tears.
'Sorry moti, it was just a joke!' you whispered, 'I
am alive'.
I was so angry at you I started hitting you while
happy tears fell freely.
I woke up sobbing, loudly. But, I was happy until
the reality hit me. How much I wished that everything was just a joke as you
had said.
Next time I saw you, you were waiting for me. I came
out of my class and you came running. Linked your hand with me and we started
walking side by side. I don't remember where we were heading and what you were
saying. But, I was happy.
I woke up wishing it all to be true. My happiness of
the dream didn't last long.
Today, again, I saw you. You were saying, it
was a joke, again. But, this time, it was a joke made by your friend. I was so
angry at her for playing such a heartless prank. But, everything was forgotten
as I was happy to see you and to know that it had all been just a joke.
I woke up with the hope and a desire for this dream
to be my reality.
*****
These constant dreams I am having makes me realize
that I am a weak person. It is hard for me to accept the reality and this keeps
me in denial. I am finding reasons to cling on to you. Every time, like in my
dreams, I will find another person to blame, another reason to deny, another
reason to be happy even if it's only in dreams.
As per the
five phases of grief, the acceptance seems to be very far. 'Let go' our friends
keep on telling me. And, to tell the truth I am a selfish person. I do want to
let go. But how? How do you do that when you are scared.
And, I am very scared. Of what, is the question I
ask, again and again. There is no answer that is convincing or satisfactory
enough. It seems, until I find the answer, I think I will be in denial. But, how
long? I ask myself.
My mind goes blank, heart feels empty and the fear slowly
creeps inside me.
I give into fear.
Denial becomes my refuge.
And, Reality becomes further...cruller and cruller.
