IN THE MEMORY OF YOU.

~~~ ~~~

    ~~~  

Let me stay in denial
For a little longer
Let me not say goodbye
Yet.
Let me hope
To hear you say
'K chha moti?'
On the other side of the phone.
Let me hope.
a little longer!!!

~~~ ~~~

    ~~~

The saddest part of the happier dream is that when you wake up, the reality becomes crueller. Dreams have a way of sowing desires and hopes in us. In this process the reality becomes a denial.

Denial is hard to live with.

And yet, dreams are the only link through which I can see myself connecting with you.

As, you left. So suddenly.

I felt cheated. I felt wronged. And everything felt unfair.

And I was angry, so angry, at everything, even at you.

*****

First time I saw you, you were just across the river, standing. I was trying to cross it, the more I tried the muddier and wilder the river became. I could not cross the river. You disappeared.

I woke up, I cried and I cursed at you for leaving so soon.

In another dream, we were in collage. I was sitting on the bench, reading something. You passed by with one girl. You had put your right hand on her shoulder, holding her and walking. You saw me, you smiled and winked with an expression that was closer to bragging about the beautiful companion.

I couldn't help wondering 'why?' when I woke up. And tears followed.

In other random dreams, I was in some sort of gathering. There were some of our common friends. I don't know why but I suddenly turned back and saw you. From crowd you were walking towards me, smiling. I was shocked and could do nothing but stare at you. Closer you came blurrier you became as my eyes were filling with tears.

'Sorry moti, it was just a joke!' you whispered, 'I am alive'.

I was so angry at you I started hitting you while happy tears fell freely.

I woke up sobbing, loudly. But, I was happy until the reality hit me. How much I wished that everything was just a joke as you had said.

Next time I saw you, you were waiting for me. I came out of my class and you came running. Linked your hand with me and we started walking side by side. I don't remember where we were heading and what you were saying. But, I was happy.

I woke up wishing it all to be true. My happiness of the dream didn't last long.

Today, again, I saw you. You were saying, it was a joke, again. But, this time, it was a joke made by your friend. I was so angry at her for playing such a heartless prank. But, everything was forgotten as I was happy to see you and to know that it had all been just a joke.

I woke up with the hope and a desire for this dream to be my reality.

***** 

These constant dreams I am having makes me realize that I am a weak person. It is hard for me to accept the reality and this keeps me in denial. I am finding reasons to cling on to you. Every time, like in my dreams, I will find another person to blame, another reason to deny, another reason to be happy even if it's only in dreams.

As per the five phases of grief, the acceptance seems to be very far. 'Let go' our friends keep on telling me. And, to tell the truth I am a selfish person. I do want to let go. But how? How do you do that when you are scared. 

And, I am very scared. Of what, is the question I ask, again and again. There is no answer that is convincing or satisfactory enough. It seems, until I find the answer, I think I will be in denial. But, how long? I ask myself.

My mind goes blank, heart feels empty and the fear slowly creeps inside me.

I give into fear.

Denial becomes my refuge.

And, Reality becomes further...cruller and cruller.