Good morning Kathmandu! ^_^

Something happened!

I woke up and decided to go for jugging.

Now, this might seem a very normal ‘thing to do’ for many. But, it was a shocking news for some who know me better. Of course, I am including myself in that group.

I tell you why? Since my school days I have always ‘planned’ (I quote ‘planned’ again because it was never executed) to go on fitness walk. First the idea struck when I was putting on flab after flab and my big brother and sister in law noticed it. When they saw the health disaster I could have, brother wanted me to go for run. But, sister in law pointed out his own body enjoying some ‘one pack abs’. So, the hunt for good judging clothes started. Within few weeks we got everything prepared: from perfect shoes to matching jugging dress, caps and water bottles. The problem was we just forgot to wake up in the morning and the idea just hung there like an old clothe in my hanger.

The perfect running clothes never saw the morning glory.

Then came my college days! After continues demands from my middle elder brother studying abroad that I sent my recently clicked pictures. I did not get chance to even think that he might have gotten my email, I got the reply. There was one quote I had found in dictionary nicely tugged by one of my brothers, once. It said, ‘If you can not do dieting, at least don’t die eating!’ The emails’ meaning was more or less similar. Of course I didn’t mind, I laughed instead as remembered once before leaving for studies he had asked, “Do you live to eat or eat to live?”

Of course, he had said jokingly!

But my brother’s email made me think about taking care of my body, seriously! So, after my college I went for some jugging clothes. I bought the cheapest one I could find. That night I did not sleep. It was not due to the excitement! I was just worried I will not wake up. So, when the morning crow started making noise outside my window I left home for my real jugging.

It was not easy one, I tell you.

I ran from here to there for 2 minutes and then stopped for 4 minutes...and the laborious procedure continued. I came back home in Lalitpur Yatayat bus. Whole day I was hungry and sleepy. That night I could not stay awake and next morning I could not wake up. I couldn’t continue my plan next morning. However, the whole weeks muscle aches did remind me of my painful plan.

Next trial on this thing called jugging happened when didi Jen was in Nepal. Her beautifully maintained body made me notice my shabby one. So, I asked her to take me along on her morning walk. She was more than happy until she saw me struggle to breath within 5 minutes of walking. Though I didn’t use Lalitpur Yatayat this time, I did have whole weeks of muscle ache and the idea of having well toned body remained distant dream.

Let’s not talk about my university life and work in detail. But still, after starting my journalism practice, I took pride in sleeping late and waking up late. When I reached home from work at midnight my neighbours would be in deep sleep. When I woke up in mid day they would have already left for work. This routine made my neighbours believe I no more lived in my apartment so much that when our path had crossed once, one of the neighbours asked, “It’s been so long...where are you living now? Or, were you out of town?”

I am telling you, I have had enough of this all. I felt unhealthy and non social. The unhealthy thing did make me lose some pounds but losing the weight by being ill has its disadvantages. There is no glow in your body, it looks sick!

So, in the name of health, on 19^th March, I went for jugging. It was totally unprepared and sudden decision so in old quarter pant jeans, I stepped out of house.

In my fifteen years of staying here, I regretted not coming out to see how the Kathmandu looks in the morning for the first time.

At 5 in the morning, the capital city is fresh! Where’s the pollution, the crowd, the annoying numbers of vehicles and hustle-bustle of city-life that engulfs it during daytime? Makes me wonder every morning!

It’s so peaceful and beautiful. The daily life is just about to start. The small food vendors making sweets, soups and breads, road-sweepers collecting trash, paper boys on bicycle distributing newspapers, small van dropping off packets of milks to the sellers, some juggers just like me on the road. Birds chirping, fresh air blowing, the sun rising! No matter where you look at it from, the sunrise holds the charm that is far gone during day time. When it’s about to rise its pink, then gets orange and then yellow, its breath-taking!

When I reach the park, it’s interesting to see every type of people at one place. They are of every age group and every walk of life. Everyone is busy sweating. It could be just walk, run or jug...yoga, karate, b-boying or boxing...everyone is exercising.

And for me, its still walk more than jug but, it’s going to be one month soon and I am enjoying the beauty Kathmandu and Kathmanduties hold in the morning. It’s healthy and relaxing! I am breaking my own records in the history of jugging, I am surprising myself! Let’s see for how long...but I would love to make it a habit!

CRAZY!!!

Part – 3

Don't be so cruel!

Have some mercy and just leave. Let me lick my wounds and heal it myself.

Leave!

Go as far as you can. Be healthy, be happy. Live a long and meaningful life. Let me think you are living happily somewhere; wherever you are.

Let me be!

Don't ever come back. Even when I am crumpled on the ground, don't you be there to offer the hand. Even when I am wailing like a crazy person, don't try to wipe my tears. Don't hold me, when I am falling.

Don't you cry for me.

Don't you give me hopes. Because, these hopes you give make me bleed. Each time, as I bleed for you, the wounds get bigger and deeper.

Just leave!

I want to heal. I want to see the colours again. This time, my own colours!

So, don't you show yourself again. If you do, I will lose my sanity. I will come running to you like before. I don't want that. I don't want to plead. I don't want to be so weak, so vulnerable and so pathetic!

Therefore, don't apologize. Just leave!

Let me have the dignity that is left in me. If you leave now, there won't be any reasons for me to wait for you. There won't be any reasons for me to hope for your return.

Don't be sorry! Just leave!

I want to heal. I just want to start healing before I collapse again!!!

CRAZY!!

Part – 2

You apologized!

I didn't understand. "Why?" I asked. You just kept apologizing, 'for everything.'

Confused, I added some more sugar in my coffee. Stirred for a while and took a sip. Tasteless!

I raised my head, looked at you sitting uneasily opposite the table. I gave you a confused smile. You looked away. I sighed, clueless!

But, deep down, somewhere, something felt empty. I was sad, very sad. All of a sudden, I felt lonely.

I wrecked my head, searched into the memories. Yet, I could find nothing. Nothing for you to be sorry for, nothing for me to be sad and lonely for.

I got more confused. The question kept repeating on my head, "Why sorry?" "Why?"…

I looked at you again. Without meeting my gaze you gave a shaky smile. Then you lowered your head, again. You closed your eyes and I heard another softly spoken, "Forgive me!"

You looked so sad and so sorry! It almost felt like you were hurting as much as I was.

That hit me!

A short gasp escaped from my mouth. You looked more apologetic. I was too naïve, too ignorant.

I realized.

I heard my heart break. The sound was piercing, cold and painful. I couldn't breath!

Crazy!!!

Part - One

When you called for me, I wanted to hold myself back. Walk very slowly towards you.

Let you wait and wait!

Then reach to 'our park' after you had alredy left!

As the cold shoulder you gave still hunts me!!

But I forget! And I find myself running to you. In that cold, chilly morning, I ran to you like I was saving myself from breaking apart.

I ran and ran!

You were there. Standing by the pole. You saw me running to you : Confused and out of breath!

You smile at my eagerness. You smile at my undying connection to you. You smile at me!

I stop. I stare at you! I wish to resist the pull. I want to run away as far as possible. As fast as I can.

Save myself from the guilt. Save myself from the hurt. Save myself from hurting others. But, I find myself running to you again. Smiling! Laughing! and Screaming as if my heart is about to explode with happiness.

Tears start rolling!

You open your arms to me.

I find myself in your arms again. After all these years, I am Sharing your warmth and Sharing your breath, again!

==================== ============= =================

When I see you, I lose my way. I question my morality.

You make me forget things I shouldn't, ever!

Yet, I forget and run to you. Like you are the thread of my life and I am hanging on it, always!

I must be crazy!

If not, then I must really be going crazy!!!

Fragments!

"One"

Closer the van got, heavier the raindrops splattered on the windshields. Like every night the Van carrying me passed by her house. But, unlike other nights the feeling was empty. I knew, even if I knocked on the door, she won't be there.

She had said her goodbyes.

The realization hit me hard. It knocked me out of my breath. Tears wailed up. I couldn’t see properly. I wanted the driver to stop driving and let me out of it. I wanted rain to totally drench me.

I wanted to let my tears fall as free as they were trying to be...

That day, still shaken from the news, I was trying to come to terms with her decision. Shutting my eyes I tried remembering our days, those smiles, comfortable vibes and short sweet talks. But those memories were not clear.

They were just fragments!

Then, I had the usual reaction. Hair on my neck gave me the signal. I felt her presence. She sat right next to me on the cold slate.

"Of all people, it has to be you."

She said with her usual trademark teasing tone. It was not difficult for me to recognize that slight-husky voice of hers.

That tone, that voice was what had made me turn my head. It was our first day at college and that voice had instinctively made me look at her direction. Fair looking, with cool and playful attitude, from first glance I had liked her.

But, now things had changed to the level that it would never be the same. I got angry at her nearness; her casualness.

"Yeah, you took exact words out of my mind." I replied. I could feel the bitterness on my own tone. Not to my surprise, she gave hers' that famous loud laugh again.

"Why?" I asked. "The 'You' I knew was not like that!"

"But, you were not that much surprised!" she declared and turned the table, "Why is it? I wonder, is it because we share the similar secret? "

I knew what she was talking about. And I also knew that she was deliberately trying to change the subject. But, by now, I mean after spending more than 5 years in same classroom, she knows how stubborn I am. So, before I asked again, she shifted her weight and spoke.

"It was a moment's decision."

I said nothing.

I couldn't say anything, anyway.

My mind was blank.

She spoke again. This time, louder, "I have nothing more to say! Don't ask me anything, anymore about it."

I understood.

If I wouldn't, who else could?

My anger vanished in thin air. Just like that. I didn't know what to say. For the first time, she had made me loss at words. But, I had to speak something. I didn't know how much time we had. So, I just blurted out what came first in my mind.

"Did you know, I always found you cool and really loved seeing you? You used to make my day!"

'Oh, I didn't say that! So embarrassing!' my head talked back. But, surprisingly my heart felt some relief.

"Yeah, from the time we spent talking in bus. I remember," She said, "I think we understood each other since then."

She was silent, for sometime.

Then, there was a slight chuckle. After sometime, she took a deep breath and said, "Those were good days, good memories."

"Though subjects were usually stupid and scattered, talking with you was like therapy. That is why it was such a pleasant surprise when we ended up in same college again,' Shed added.

"But, I was not there when you actually needed me," I felt the stabbing pain in my chest, "Sorry!" I said.

"Not your fault."

"I am worried about you." I blurted again.

"Are you scared?" she asked

"Are you?" I barely managed to ask her back.

To which she replied, "A lil bit!"

Her voice didn't quiver like mine.

"I can't remember your face. Its all blur," I choked. Tears started falling freely.

"…I didn’t know you were such a cry-baby!" Then she was silent again. I bet if I could see her I would have seen tears falling from her eyes as well. In her every breath, I could hear her silent cry.

We stayed like that for how long, I have no idea. But, after my eyes were swollen and tears stopped she broke the silence.

"You know, we are somehow same," with composed and thoughtful voice she said, "It was fate! We were to meet, have this discussion."

"What you mean?" I didn't understand her.

"You know, it's like two-way therapy," she said with light tone.

"You are just a hallucination!" I declared.

"Yeah, you wish!" she laughed.

She was still laughing loud when all of a sudden, I heard her say, "My time is up!"

I could not feel her by my side.

With passing nanoseconds she was going further and further away from me. Her voice got more and more difficult to hear.

"Don't call me anymore, not that strongly," she was shouting now, "It will attract you too. With more force than you had experienced and ever imagined."

I didn't have time to reply nor think. I just started running towards her voice. My hands stretched.

"For me, some memories are too painful, I don't want to ever go through them again. So, don't call me or think of me so much that will drag me here again," by then, her voice was just a whisper.

"Goodbye!" her lingering voice had left me cold in there, staring at the sky with empty stretched hands.

Before I could answer her, she was already gone.

Her presence, I couldn’t feel it anymore…

Though I couldn't feel her presence, how could I not think about her? Every moment, my heart misses her and my mind starts searching for her.

Her decision has left the never-healing scar and has opened those old wounds. Those wounds mixed with her memories hunt me. And with that my nightmares come closer.

It's hard to escape; the urge is too strong for me to handle again.

The warning was too late!

रामदेव माथि, राष्ट्रपति तल

देवेन्द्र भट्टराई

यतिखेर सिंगो काठमाडौं सहर 'रामदेवमय' बनेको छ । नेता, राजनेता र उपनेताहरू रामदेवका आसनमा शरणागत छन् । कमरेड झलनाथदेखि कमरेड प्रचण्डसम्म र उपेन्द्र महतोदेखि रामचन्द्र पौडेलसम्म खुलामञ्चमा भेटिन थालेका छन् । अघिल्लो दिन राष्ट्रपति रामवरण यादव र भोलिपल्ट उपराष्ट्रपति परमानन्द झा 'शरणागत' बनेका देखिन्छन् । योग विज्ञानदेखि मनोविज्ञानसम्मका मन्त्रणाहरू लिनेको संख्या हजारौंबाट लाखौं पुगिसकेको छ । देशभित्र मात्रै होइन, अन्तर्राष्ट्रिय जगतमा फैलिएर बसेका २० लाखभन्दा बढी नेपालीका संरक्षक उपेन्द्र महतो पनि अहिले रामदेवका आसन अभ्यासमा मग्न छन् ।

रामदेवसँग जोडिएका यी दृश्यका माझ केही प्रत्यक्ष र केही परोक्ष सन्दर्भहरू भने निकै 'मन बिझाउने' रहे । अहिलेको राज्य संयन्त्रमा सर्वोपरि स्थानमा रहेका हाम्रा राष्ट्रपति रामवरण यादवले योगगुरु रामदेवलाई मञ्चको तलबाट विनित हुँदै अभिवादन गरेको दृश्य 'डिप्लोम्याटिक डिलिङ्ज'का अर्थमा निकै अनर्थकारी देखिन्थ्यो । पूर्वप्रधानमन्त्री एवं माओवादी अध्यक्ष प्रचण्डले खुलामञ्च पुगेर 'जनयुद्ध र रामदेव योग'माथि फ्युजन प्रवचन दिएको सन्दर्भ पनि अलौकिक सुनिन्थ्यो । रामदेवका सहयात्रु आचार्य बालकृष्णले 'विश्वमा पाइनेमध्ये ६७ प्रतिशत जडिबुटी नेपालमा छ, यसको उपयोग विश्वले गर्न सक्छ' भनिरहँदा ताली बजाउने नेपाली उद्यमी-व्यवसायीहरूको भीड पनि आफैंमा रमाइलो थियो । हाम्रो औषधीमूलो लगेर विश्वले त उपचार पाउला । तर नेपाल र नेपालीले के पाउँछन् ? यो जिज्ञासा राखिदिने कसले ?

फेरि अर्को दिन खबर आयो- धुलिखेलको ९० रोपनी जग्गामा रामदेव योगकेन्द्र सञ्चालन हुने । यही खबर छापिएका दिन सिनामंगलस्थित पाथिभरा आयुर्वेदिक अस्पतालमा पुगेका एक इन्जिनियरले सुनाए-रामदेवकै अभियानका लागि स्याङ्जा-पर्वतका हजारौं रोपनी जंगल खरिद्ने प्रक्रिया थालिएको छ । योगका नाममा खुलामञ्चमा शारीरिक अभ्यास र उपmीपाप्री गरिरहेका बेला हाम्रा जडिबुटी र वनस्पतिको बजार पनि एकैसाथ 'बाहिरिँदै' गइरहेको यो दुःखान्त स्थितिका बारे किन यहाँ कोही पनि बोलिरहेका छैनन् भन्ने जिज्ञासा आफैंमा अनौठो हुनसक्छ ।
वनस्पति विज्ञहरूका अनुसार, नेपालमा ११ हजारजति वनस्पति छन्, जसमध्ये २६ सय औषधीजन्य -मेडिसिनल प्लान्ट) हामीसँग छन् । सन् १९८८ मा उत्तर कोरिया र पmान्सका विज्ञहरूको एउटा समूहले गरेको अनुसन्धानमा २६ सय जातका नेपाली जडिबुटी र वनस्पतिको प्रचुर अन्तर्राष्ट्रिय बजार रहेको खुलाएको थियो । त्यसलगत्तै दक्षिण कोरियाली विज्ञको एउटा समूहले नेपाल आएर वनआलुका बारे अनुसन्धान गरेका थिए । उनीहरूले पूर्वी पहाडी जिल्ला इलाम पुगेर त्यहाँका किसानहरूलाई 'वनआलुको खेती गर्न सक्नुहुन्छ भने हामी सुरुमै एडभान्स रकम बुझाउँछौं' समेत भनेका थिए । गिठ्ठा, भ्याकुरजस्तै औषधीजन्य तत्त्व रहेको वनआलुमा १६ किसिमका 'इनर्जेटिक इलिमेन्ट' पाइने शोध पनि कोरियाली विज्ञ समूहले गरेको थियो ।

टेरोरा, गजो, मोदेक, लाङ्घाली, भुइँचम्पा, सहस्रमूल, बिजी, चितुजस्ता दुर्लभ जडिबुटी खोज्दै नेपाल आउनेहरू आज रामदेवमात्रै होइन, थुप्रै देवहरू छन् । नेपालमा मात्रै पाइने अन्तर्राष्ट्रिय महत्त्वको 'मुभिङ प्लान्ट' -नाच्ने वनस्पति) को शोध गर्नेहरू स्वदेशी होइन, विदेशी विज्ञहरू यहाँ छन् । हाम्रा जडिबुटी प्रशोधन केन्द्र र सिंहदरबार वैद्यखाना कहीं कतै सुस्ताइरहेका बेला डाबर र अन्य अन्तर्राष्ट्रिय कम्पनीहरू हिमाल-पहाड-तराईका वनपाखामा डुलिरहेको अवस्था छ । फेरि हाम्रो सरकारी संयन्त्र कस्तो छ भने उच्चकोटीको रसायन 'स्वर्णभष्म' तयार गर्ने क्रममा विगतमा सिंहदरबार वैद्यखानाले अख्तियारसम्म धाउनुपरेको थियो । विश्वकै एकमात्र देशमा र अझ हाम्रै हिमाली भेगमा मात्र पाइने 'ट्याक्सस बोगडा' -ढ्याङग्रे सल्लो) को जरैदेखि उखेलेर लगिएको प्रमाण बाहिर आइसकेको छ । क्यान्सरका लागि अचुक औषधी रहेको 'ट्याक्सस बोगडा'को जरा ताइवानको राजधानी ताइपेइमा पाइएको समाचार धेरैअघि सार्वजनिक भइसकेको छ ।
रामदेव र उनका शिष्यहरूले 'नेपाल जडिबुटीको खानी' भनेर बोलेपछि ताली बजाउन अग्रसर हुने नेपाली नेता, राजनेता, उद्यमी र व्यवसायीहरू अहिले रामदेवमा शरणागत छन् । शरीर विज्ञानमात्रै होइन, सरकार बनाउनेदेखि ढाल्नेसम्मको अचुक उपाय 'रामदेव' हुन् भनेझैं गरी अनेक आसनमा आज्ञाकारी बालकझैं खुलामञ्चमा लम्पसार पर्नेहरूको दृश्य आफैंमा रमितलाग्दो छ । अहिलेसम्म जम्मा २२ प्रतिशत नेपालीमात्रै आयुर्वेद उपचारमा निर्भर रहेको तथ्यांकका सामु नेता-राजनेताहरूले 'पहिले आफूलाई चिन्नु' जरुरी छ । हामी नजानिँदोगरी कसरी परनिर्भर र अस्तित्वहीन बन्दै गइरहेका छौं भन्ने दृष्टान्त खोज्न धुलिखेलमा खुल्नलागेको योगकेन्द्र अथवा स्याङ्जा-पर्वतका पहाडी पाखामा अहिल्यै पुगे हुन्छ, जहाँ छिर्न अब केही महिनापछि हामी आफैंले 'पूर्वअनुमति' लिनुपर्ने हुनसक्छ ।

सिंहदरबार वैद्यखाना आज के छ, के गर्दैछ ? जडिबुटी प्रशोधन केन्द्र राजनीतिक भागबन्डाका महाप्रबन्धकलाई स्वागत अथवा विदाइ गर्न र 'सन्चो' निकाल्नबाट कति अघि बढेको छ ? यहाँ रामदेवको योगाको मात्रै कुरा छैन, हाम्रो जडिबुटी, वनस्पति, वनजंगल र अस्तित्वको पनि कुरा जोडिएको छ भनेर योगामा धाउने प्रधानमन्त्री माधवकुमार नेपालले कति बुझेका होलान् ? मधेसलाई छुने चुरे भेग र यहाँको माटो, बालुवा, ढुंगा जोगाउन मन-वचन-कर्मले लागिपर्नुभएका महामहिम राष्ट्रपतिलाई हामीकहाँ पाइने ११ हजार प्रकारका जडिबुटीबारे कत्तिको चासो र चिन्ता छ ?
हो, यो रामदेवको योगाभन्दा पनि हाम्रो अस्तित्वको कुरा हो । राज्यक्रान्तिका बेला इरानबाट देश छाडेर इजिप्ट, मोरक्को, बहमास र अन्य मुलुकमा बास खोज्दै हिँडेका पूर्वराजा मोहम्मद रेजा शाह पहल्वीले भनेका रहेछन्- 'जतिबेला म इरानमा थिएँ, त्यसबेला मैले आफ्नो देशलाई बुझ्न सकिन । अहिले मैले मेरो देश राम्ररी बुझेको छु । तर म इरानमा छैन ।' आशा गरौं, हामीले यो हदको पराकाष्ठा व्यहोर्नु नपरोस् ।

LOVE UNEXPRESSED!!!

2005

It started…I don’t know when and how. It just started…My heart leaped up at a glance of him. When they saw him walking across our college, most students (specially girls) could not help but notice him. He was tall and lanky with Aryan look; he had beautiful black eyes just perfect on his fair complexion. His wet-silky black hair flipped back above his forehead and his eyebrows always cocked upward when he was in deep conversation with teachers, friends and everybody. He was tender, thoughtful, charming and profound. And one thing he never forgot to carry with him…SMILE. It was breathtaking.

------ I was scared of him. -------

I used to sit at the second front bench in classroom with my best friend Poo who sat next-left to me. One day I told her about my strange feelings for him and showed him to her. She looked at me with her loving eyes and teasing smile. From that day on, whenever he used to pass by us we looked at each other and giggle. Sometimes when only one of us saw him passing by we’d slightly give a push or pinch to another and we ‘d both look (pretending not) at him till he disappeared from our sight. Then we’d look at each other and give a sigh with smile. After sometime you could hear our giggly laughter again.

He scared me because he was a real heartthrob and brilliant. When I used to see him I don’t know what used to happen to me that my heart used to beat so fast and loud that I could feel my chest jumping and hear the every beat of my heart clearly. Once I was heading for my class when I suddenly found myself FACE TO FACE with him. My heart stopped. I don’t remember what I did but he stared me which I can say ‘a long stare’ then gave me a loving smile and walked away. I didn’t dare to look back at him. I stood there like a statue; I don’t know for how long. Later I was sitting in my class…still trembling with red-hot face.

I was an ambitious teenage girl. I had my own goal, own destiny and a dream to fulfill. And…and that was the reason why I was scared of him. My feelings for him was beyond friendship…and I was afraid thinking those feelings may mislead me and stop me from what I wanted to be. So, I suppressed my emotions that were for him…just for him. When I ignored them I felt enough pain in my heart. I used to burst in tears as it was so hard to control and the pain was unbearable. I used to cry myself to sleep every night. Anyway, I managed to go on for my ambition ignoring my emotions for him. But my eyes never stopped searching for just a glance of him.

Seven months after I had met him, he left college as he had completed his course. And I…I had to stay one more year to complete my course. –He was one batch senior than me. – Again, I went through the same emotional pain. Only the difference was that this one was more stronger and more painful than previous one.

Now, I’ve achieved my dreams and I am ready for the warm relationship with him and I suddenly realize that he has gone too far for me to reach. I have lost him. But still my eyes are searching for a glance of him in every crowd that passes by me or I pass by and my heart is beating for a warm nearness of him.

I wonder if he ever knew about it…

In closing, I’d like to offer you words from Barbara De Angelis. She wrote, “ You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” If only I had told him that I loved him; he could have been standing on my side and I could have got everything I wished for because I would have the greatest boon of world - “His Love”.