LOVE UNEXPRESSED!!!

2005

It started…I don’t know when and how. It just started…My heart leaped up at a glance of him. When they saw him walking across our college, most students (specially girls) could not help but notice him. He was tall and lanky with Aryan look; he had beautiful black eyes just perfect on his fair complexion. His wet-silky black hair flipped back above his forehead and his eyebrows always cocked upward when he was in deep conversation with teachers, friends and everybody. He was tender, thoughtful, charming and profound. And one thing he never forgot to carry with him…SMILE. It was breathtaking.

------ I was scared of him. -------

I used to sit at the second front bench in classroom with my best friend Poo who sat next-left to me. One day I told her about my strange feelings for him and showed him to her. She looked at me with her loving eyes and teasing smile. From that day on, whenever he used to pass by us we looked at each other and giggle. Sometimes when only one of us saw him passing by we’d slightly give a push or pinch to another and we ‘d both look (pretending not) at him till he disappeared from our sight. Then we’d look at each other and give a sigh with smile. After sometime you could hear our giggly laughter again.

He scared me because he was a real heartthrob and brilliant. When I used to see him I don’t know what used to happen to me that my heart used to beat so fast and loud that I could feel my chest jumping and hear the every beat of my heart clearly. Once I was heading for my class when I suddenly found myself FACE TO FACE with him. My heart stopped. I don’t remember what I did but he stared me which I can say ‘a long stare’ then gave me a loving smile and walked away. I didn’t dare to look back at him. I stood there like a statue; I don’t know for how long. Later I was sitting in my class…still trembling with red-hot face.

I was an ambitious teenage girl. I had my own goal, own destiny and a dream to fulfill. And…and that was the reason why I was scared of him. My feelings for him was beyond friendship…and I was afraid thinking those feelings may mislead me and stop me from what I wanted to be. So, I suppressed my emotions that were for him…just for him. When I ignored them I felt enough pain in my heart. I used to burst in tears as it was so hard to control and the pain was unbearable. I used to cry myself to sleep every night. Anyway, I managed to go on for my ambition ignoring my emotions for him. But my eyes never stopped searching for just a glance of him.

Seven months after I had met him, he left college as he had completed his course. And I…I had to stay one more year to complete my course. –He was one batch senior than me. – Again, I went through the same emotional pain. Only the difference was that this one was more stronger and more painful than previous one.

Now, I’ve achieved my dreams and I am ready for the warm relationship with him and I suddenly realize that he has gone too far for me to reach. I have lost him. But still my eyes are searching for a glance of him in every crowd that passes by me or I pass by and my heart is beating for a warm nearness of him.

I wonder if he ever knew about it…

In closing, I’d like to offer you words from Barbara De Angelis. She wrote, “ You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.” If only I had told him that I loved him; he could have been standing on my side and I could have got everything I wished for because I would have the greatest boon of world - “His Love”.